5.16.13 [11:13 pm]

This is going to be a rant about my appearance (surprise, surprise). I tried to let people take Instagram photos and such tonight, but it honestly made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to cry. I hate how I look. I hate how every part of me is wrong. I feel sick and my head is pounding. It seems so over dramatic, but I can barely stand to even look in mirrors. There’s not a single thing I like about myself. I need to be skinner. I need plastic surgery. I need to be someone else.

It would be so nice to just take a selfie and like it. I don’t want to have to take a hundred photos and maybe find one I sort of don’t hate. I see all these beautiful girls on Tumblr and Instagram and it makes me so sad. I would kill to be half as pretty as all these other girls. I guess I’m just stupid, insecure, and narcissistic.

What am I supposed to do when I barely want to leave the house for fear of how ugly and fat I am? It’s fucking exhausting.

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5.15.13 [10:28 pm]

There’s a point where I just give up on the idea of happiness. I don’t know what I want, besides perfection and if I can’t attain that then I’ll never be happy. I will never be skinny enough or pretty enough. I will never love what I see in the mirror.  

I just want to starve starve starve until I wither away.

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5.13.13 [10:01 pm]
I’m so weak when it comes to food. I really need to do better.
Starting tomorrow I’m going to start keeping a food journal again, possibly on here to keep myself accountable. I’m going to start my (mostly) vegan diet and new workout plan tomorrow. Wish me luck.

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5.10.13 [12:32]

I hate how ugly I feel all of the time. I always go out of my way to avoid mirrors and pictures. I never upload pictures of myself because I hate every single one of them and then it just makes me sad. I’m so self-critical of myself. I just want to be happy with who I am, but I don’t think I’m ever going to get to the point where I can look in the mirror and honestly say I’m pretty. I act really confident only because I feel so insecure, if that makes sense? I always feel like I’m the worst or the fattest or the ugliest so I act like I’m the best or skinniest or like I’m confident with myself. I don’t know. I guess I’ll just have to fake it until I make it.

If only I could have the perfect body and get a nose job and have perfect skin and get that surgery to make your forehead less huge. I want someone to be in awe of how beautiful I am or to wish they looked like me. I want to be breathtaking, I want to be perfect.

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5.6.13 [11:22 pm]

I’m still having a really hard time, and it’ll probably only get worse as the next couple weeks unfold, but I’m trying to remain positive. I still have the urges where I want to die, I’m just trying to ignore them. I’m going to look into getting some depression and anxiety medication this summer. I’m also planning on getting my license and a car, and maintaining a steady job. I have to be strong for those around me. I’m close to giving up, just not yet. I’m going to try to turn my life around. 

Food

Food has been my enemy these past few days. Because of my depression, I’ve been binge eating so much. I was at McDonald’s today and after getting my food, I started to feel like I was  going to throw up. I ran to bathroom and was coughing and shaking uncontrollably. Luckily it passed, but I’m so disgusted with myself. I just want to not eat for the rest of my life. I’m going to try and be healthy though. Again, I need to be strong for everyone else.

I just need to be strong.

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5.6.13 [12:41 pm]

I’m staring at everything I need to be happy and I still can’t believe I have to let it all go. I’ve had tears in my eyes all day because if I even stop to let myself think, I feel myself wanting to hurt myself or just give up. I even prayed to god for a miracle. I’m a Buddhist and I prayed to god. That’s how badly I want this not to happen, how badly I need another chance. But who would give me another chance when all I do is throw them away? 

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5.5.13 [6:53 pm]

I was one thing away from everything being good in my life. I was so close and I messed it all up.

It feels like every part of my body is being compressed and something is pushing in my temples and ribs. I can’t breathe.

And I can’t do this anymore. It’s over.

I’m sorry.

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5.4.13 [7:56 om]

So I was at work today and I picked up the latest Cosmo magazine (yes very productive, I know) and I turned to one of the cover articles entitled “I’m Obsessed With Food”. I literally wanted to cry as soon as I read the first two parts.

I’m not alone.

This lady, I forgot her name but she’s a host on some big network I think, wrote a book on the exact eating “disorder” I have. I’ve never considered what I had a disorder because it’s a mix between anorexia and binge disorder, but wow. I was shocked. She described it so perfectly. How you binge then exercise and starve for weeks then repeat. I read the article probably five times. I swear, I was almost in tears right in the middle of cashiering.

I’ve been binging this weekend because I’m so stressed about school. I can’t even write down all that I’ve ate because I’ll probably throw up. I need to start keeping a food diary again. I just feel so gross and ugh.

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5.4.13 [1:26 am]

I just had the biggest realization. I’ve tried to figure how I could mean so little to the people who claimed to love me or anyone really. I finally figured it out. I’m a placeholder.

I’m there when no one else will love you, I’m there to make you feel thinner or prettier, I’m there to make you laugh and go on adventures with when you feel sad, I’m there to hold hands with when you just break with your boyfriend, I’m there to give you everything of myself and for you to not have to give anything in return, I’m there to make sure you don’t kill yourself, I’m there when there’s no one else to hang out with, I’m there to help you with homework, I’m there to sit quietly as you talk and talk and talk because you really don’t want to hear what I have to say, I’m there to be loud and obnoxious and funny to distract you from your problems, I’m there to cause problems when your life is too boring, I’m there because I’m yours if you give me a little attention, I’m there to have sex with, I’m there to complain to, I’m there to be your science experiment when you’re confused about your sexuality, I’m there until you don’t need me anymore. I’m just filling the empty holes of your life until they don’t need to be filled anymore.

But I’m never the one someone can’t live without. 

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5.3.13 [7:12 pm]

I’m such a shitty person.

I’m sorry.

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